The 59 Year War

I’m going to start a tale that has been 58+ years in the making. It’s going to sound angry, but it is more frustration, and this is not about blame. It is about fomenting understanding. So if you find yourselves I will not listen to an apology. I just want your consideration and perhaps change your view on trauma, and tough love.

My mother was a very cold, and bitter woman. As my blog continues, you will learn more about her as I myself continue to process.

Let me write this just as an introduction. Every waking moment of my life since birth I was a target for criticism from my mother. It wasn’t non-stop, but was early and often, every day of my life from day one.

My situation is unique in that I don't have social anxiety, and if I learned how to do anything, it is effectively communicating in a compelling voice. (I now fully believe this about myself.)

I promises, the ladies are gonna love me for this….

I am going to globally respond to common versions of tough love phrases in a way tough love lovers should understand.

“You need to move on…”

Wait…what? Did you think I was sitting in this fucking boiling shit stew because it was fun? Did you think I was just idling sitting around awaiting your sympathy? Move on? WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT? *I could have had a V* slap to the forehead*

“I just think you need to get past this..”

Past what? Did you think we were merging and just waiting to get by the signal? Maybe just trying to let a semi pass? Seriously, did you think my psyche is merely a flooded highway and a detour will get me right back on the normal route? Ummm….what normal route? When was I on a normal route? Read my lips. You don’t fucking get past trauma, YOU TRY TO GET THROUGH IT! While in the process, YOU DON”T KNOW WHAT THE FINISHED PROJECT LOOKS LIKE! YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THAT PERSON. NO ONE HAS EVER MET THAT PERSON.

“You need to stop letting “so and so” rule your life…”

First reaction, FUCK YOU FOR BLAMING THE VICTIM!

Second reaction, and this is where you get my unique perspective. Do you still make your mom’s favorite recipes? Do you cry at the same movies she did? Did she raise you with so much love and respect you treat people the same? Your mom is ruling your life in the same way mine is. The difference is your mom was nice and was able to establish a motherly bond with their offspring. The first lesson most living beings learn is that mommy loves me. SHe is my protector, and nurturer. Mother is the name of God on the lips of babes. Go ahead and cut all that influence out of your life. Try. I FUCKING WANT TO SEE YOU DO IT! Conditioned behaviors LEARNED SINCE BIRTH. FUCK YOU.

These next comments I will group together….

“Yeah, my mom made me do chores too…my parents spanked me too…”

Always assume the level of trauma is deeper than you think. When discussing issues with people, even good friends, go into, “It was a different time. Those were accepted behaviors.

Listen, trauma is not the same. I once had my car stolen from a parking lot. If someone said, “I was carjacked” I don’t say, “Getting your car stolen sucks.” Like I know what they went through.

You don’t know my trauma. Everytime you talk about how it was accepted then, you make me question how different and difficult my experience was. Remember, when you’re in the midst of the fog of trauma, you can’t always express yourself fully. Or effectively. You learn to gloss over the details for a number of motivations.

“You need to get on with your life.”

Duh….I thought I was living my life. Perhaps you could tell me what my life looks like after a childhood of trauma and a life of trying to figure it out? What did that look like to you? I am asking seriously because I don’t know what it looks like on the other side. Some might say, “past is back to normal and getting another IT job.” I can’t tell you what the other side looks like, but I can tell you what it doesn’t fucking look like. THE GODDAMNED STATUS QUO! The thought of another shitty IT job fills me with so much fear and dread I am merely motivated to walk that last, lonely mile to the Pacific Ocean and swim out with the tide.

I will not be able to fulfill my potential until my strengths are recognized, and exploited to their potential, and my weaknesses are identified, and mitigated. I’m tired of fighting. I can not find these burdens in today’s marketplace. More on this in future blogs.

Again, I am not looking for apologies. I am going to ridicule anyone who apologizes to me, because I need to remind you that isn’t the point. The point of this is not to blame anyone. Not ever mom. My intention is to speak about trauma in the voice of an angry white man, because that is what tough love lovers respond to.

. Tough love can be a valid response, but when you’ve know nothing but tough love, it merely makes it worse.

Again, in all caps, DO NOT APOLOGIZE! The vast majority of you were really trying to help.

I merely ask, please promise to try to understand trauma better than you currently do.