Blog#4 King and Queen of No

My parents were actually the King and Queen of No. I only mention my mom because I didn't want to deal with dad. The truth is, oftentimes I would ask him for money to see a movie with friends, for example, and he'd calmly reach into his wallet and give me some cash. Other times, mom would overhear the conversation and veto it and ground me.

Now this was when I was older. When I was younger, it felt even worse. I would ask them for help with a project. Something as simple as setting up water color paints she had bought for me. I would be allowed to do it alone. The most common answer was maybe later. Or not today. The delay that seemed like it never ended. Even if I eventually got a yes, they were never happy. My parents always seemed on the edge of anger growing up, and it felt like they resented having to waste time on me. In my adult vocabulary, it felt like they couldn't be bothered to invest their time in me.

Getting turned down for things still tweaks my melon. Lately, it's been worse. I realize I've been begging for partnership to help guide me through something, ANYTHING productive and hopefully lucrative enough to make a living.

As you can tell from my blog, I can't make it look professional. I know dick about branding. I'm a technical writer. I don't even pay attention to fonts. I can't spot different fonts as other people can. My last boss went to college and learned that shit, and I didn't. He wasn't willing to expend any extra energy to train me. He'd show me once, and expect me to be perfect each and every time even if it was 9 months between having to complete that particular project.

It has felt my whole life that no one has wanted to invest their time to help- me get through this. The longer it goes, the more pathetic I feel.

Like most kids my age, school was a breeze through about 6th or 7th grade. At that point, my grades started getting a little worse till they bottomed out in High School.

On top of that, as you can imagine, I was an inquisitive lad. Probably asking way too many questions, but when you sign up for parenthood, that's the shakes. But my entire life into adulthood, my mother's famous response to most any informational question was the answer, "Don't worry about it." Or, "None of your business." Those two phrases, but especially the first, are still triggering to this day. It is so fucking dismissive and it was the answer to "How do mortgage work?" That is an exact question I remember asking and getting that response. I was in high school. TO this day I can't even begin to describe the process of buying a house. That is just one example of a "don't worry about it." question. There were countless.

I had a health interest in cooking, and now we know I have a knack for it, but whenever I asked if I could try to cook something, she'd give me a box of Fudge Brownie Mix. You know how much I love chocolate.

To this day I still feel like the 6th grader starting to fall behind. I'm scared to tell anyone because it's my fault and I'll be punished. I'm stuck in stasis trying to learn life skills. No one has the time or inclination to help.

It feels like I am not worth investment.