Blog #3 Raymond's Wrestling Promo

I was somewhat stumped on how to respond, if at all, to some of the less positive feedback I have received.

It was specifically about recollections being three stories. Yours, mine and the truth, It is a bit of wisdom that I wholly subscribe to, but it isn’t a universal truth when it comes to certain applications. In situations being judged objectively, where it is appropriate to weigh the validity of all evidence, like a court of law, that is 100% true.

However, when it comes to trauma, and trying to make it past trauma, only one recollection matters. I am the first to admit that my memory isn’t 100% accurate. No one's memory is perfect, unless they are a freak of nature. I mean gifted.While I believe my memory became better than most out of necessity, it isn’t near a gifted memory.Another thing I know, I was but a babe when this started. My mother, sister and I spent months at a time alone. My Sainted Sister, and my only witness, tragically passed in 2000, but even that doesn’t matter. Her recollection isn’t pertinent to my trauma. Kids do not understand the world at large, obviously. When things don’t make sense, kids fill in the blanks. Those memories are almost completely flushed about age 5 or so, which is why most of our childhood memories start there.

We retain the behaviors we learned during that time, however, which is why even though my memory is mostly flushed at five, I am already suffering from PTSD. Before I ever start school. I was a mess in k-5. I moved a lot and if the slightest thing went wrong I was inconsolable. I know this behavior resonates with a lot of people. It is a standard trauma response when you don’t have a ‘normal’ for whatever reason. The trauma I suffered after age 5 was obviously just compounding what I had already suffered.

Let me give an example, I referred to having chore lists when I got home from school. I have maintained that if I didn’t do it perfectly I would probably be punished. I will stipulate adult recollections are more accurate. I’ll say when I finished the list, maybe my mother said thank you, or good job 70% of the time. I was only harshly punished 30% of the time. I’ve already admitted that my mom’s praise was often delivered in a way that sounded admonishing. But for 30% we stipulate the punishment was cruel and unusual. Which memories would be stronger in my mind? Obviously the 30%, because that is what conditioned my behavior. Your intentions don’t matter. The family dynamic brought about issues for me, and that is what I am trying to get through now.

My behavior was shaped by my memories. No other memories. I hope everyone made it this far, because I am going to reiterate what my motivation is for this blog.

I am trying to educate; not blame.

I know my tone sounds harsh sometimes, but it is also meant to be educational. For the first time in my life, I am responding to tough love with tough love language. It is what I have heard my entire life, so it is like a first language to me. It’s how I communicate, as it was how I learned to communicate.

Funny thing about me, due to not having a positive emotional relationship with mom, you tend to not believe anything at face value. Or at least I didn’t. As a kid, I was always confused about what was really my fault, and what was an over reaction. My confusion my entire life to this point, is trying to figure out how much of this is my fault. In the last few years, my father has been understanding and has said multiple times that this is not my fault. He also once said out of the blue that he never considered me a failure, and it gave me pause because I have never thought of myself as anything but a massive failure in just about every facet of my life. Except being funny. I always be funny.

When I recently pieced together that I am literally afraid of effort, everything else fell into place. A truth that all therapy patients know, is knowing something, and believing it are two different things. That was the first relation that allowed me to see I am not at fault. This started before I ever had a sense of self. My behaviors didn’t have to do with me being a bad boy. Everything else fell into place. I was able to see why I was at a disadvantage not because of a lack of opportunity, but a lack of mental fortitude to go after the opportunities. This also allowed me to release others of blame. I always saw so many of mom’s behaviors in mine, but tempered with my dad’s usual good nature. I have heard many stories about mom’s upbringing and I know it was pretty shitty in a lot of ways too. I always knew my mom had a rough childhood, but until I could figure out I wasn’t to blame, how can I quit blaming her, as she is merely acting on her conditioned behaviors?

Again, my intent isn't to blame.  I started my first two blogs talking tough love to tough love lovers, which is why I titled this wrestling promo. You have been telling me to move on, get past it, and quit letting it rule my life. Well, now I fucking am. You’ve heard of people finding their calling. I’ve been waiting for mine for 58+ years.  My calling is to help myself and others better understand the cause and effects of trauma by blogging it my my voice, which is excellent at breaking down esoteric concepts into plain language some people find easier to understand. F or this blog, I’m getting more positive feedback than less than positive. This has been the case with many a project I started over the years. This is different because this time the positive voices are louder than the negatives, and I see a clear path forward for myself. I don’t know if this will lead anywhere lucrative, but more than one person has told me I have a book in me. I am starting to believe other people in my sphere of influence, and that was an important step in my recovery. I love to tie this to Liberal issue as just a little bonus. So here it goes,  I can’t blame nurture for all my problems. No one should. I think I was born with some learning difficulties because my son demonstrated some of the same tendencies I did in the same grade levels in school. The difference is, they identified his issues, and we were able to get him help and tools to mitigate. I was fired by my golf pro a while back, I’ve know him since 8th grade, and it was a fireable offense, but before he did, he told me that I was in a group of individuals in our class that were obviously intelligent in ways that were not traditional, and educators at the time didn’t have a clue what was happening with us, or what to do with us. He listed me, Steve Felton (RIP), and some others who have achieved much more than he and I did. Now imagine if they had the know-how and means to catch my issues when I was in school. Going further back, what does my life look like if they are able to catch my mother’s issues in childhood?If you are someone who keeps voting down school levies because they have plenty of money because they need more administrators and support specialists per student than when you were a kid, then you need to face reality. If you say stupid shit like “We used to have 3 administrators for a school of 500. They don’t need more money,” STFU and listen. Think of how many overworked, underpaid counselors, teachers and administrators there are who are trying to help your kids.  You think that kind of special knowledge is cheap in the market place? Are you complaining because you had to pay for your little snowflakes’ football helmet?  There are kids falling through the cracks of life. Vote yes on school levies. Quit defunding the teachers, assholes. Good news! If you want to read more of my blog, I won’t be stopping. I am meant to help people better understand the effects of trauma. I have something I truly believe with my whole being. I never knew what that meant before. More good news! If you don’t like my blog, after this, I will only be posting updates at the link below. I will be promoting links to new content, which will allow anyone who doesn’t even want to know it exists to block all posts that include my URL! I am a mother fucking A-1 Problem Solver.